I love all you wonderful people with this delicate heart of mine.
The Christmas season. A time of inward reflection. A time of deep love and gratitude. A time that somehow always manages to highlight just how messy life can sometimes feel.
Here is the deal, from what I can tell- we each live these profoundly unique lives filled with these deeply unique experiences that are so hyper individualized that no matter what, no other human can completely understand. This can feel terribly isolating, especially when these struggles are impactful to the extent that they flip our world inside out and rustle up all this old stuff you thought you had dealt with so long ago. But, the amazing thing is this- we all share the common thread of suffering, so we need not suffer alone. Compassion greets each of us when we open our hearts and allow the world a glimpse into our vulnerable hearts. And this, I suspect, is where the term seeds of change enters the picture. Change is largely a matter of perspective. It is inevitable, happening constantly, and can be molded by the angle we embrace.
The seeds of change have met me as I exit 2013 and enter into a new year bright with possibilities. To my friends and family that do not already know, David, my partner of 11+ years and I have ended our marriage. This is huge, and the wound is still raw. But it is healing, in large part because the loving care of friends, family, and on more than a few occasions, perfect strangers (wise gas station attendants, sage-like tea shop employees, and homeless men who we should listen to more often) have bandaged me up.
Without each of you, and I include David above all else in the equation, I may very well have been knocked down hard. In truth, I crumbled a little, but decided that a more satisfying approach is to raise my head high so as to effectively navigate my new surroundings. You can see a lot more when you watch where you are going. I carry, tucked in my heart, tucked in my soul, countless wonderful living memories of my relationship with David. He is 6000 miles away exploring his own uncharted territory but we are intimately linked from now until forever.
Something I have always known but sometimes forget- I need to show you all how much I love you and I need to be more accepting of the love that surrounds me. I struggle, because sometimes the translucent clouds that veil my heart feel like a brick wall. I know I place barriers between myself and others. But just as there is blue sky and sun always above the clouds overhead, I know that my heart shines bright rays of sunshine and I want each of you to feel that warmth from me. This is my resolution: to be a better daughter, to be a better sister, to be a better friend, to listen with my whole heart and to simply be there.
Much love to each of you and a happy 2014.